Me on doing this pointless thing again

The story so far:

Last time I posted on this blog it was April 2010, and we were still being governed by Gordon Brown and his bunch of great guys. I think they were called the Happiness Party and they were definitely all really cool and had long hair and played in bands, and we all wanted to sleep with them. It was brilliant - the economy was flourishing, houses were affordable and the best-selling topless photo calendar for five years running was the Ed Balls one... but it wasn't to last. On May 6th, we had a general election, and a mere two months later a new Government was formed out of some old bicycle parts, a haunted filing cabinet and a dash of evil. And then the Queen and John Bercow brought it to life with some jump leads during a thunderstorm. [Can someone fact-check this entire paragraph please?]

Approximately three lifetimes ago

Anyway, whatever happened, we're in a right bloody state now. There's another general election in nine, ten months or thereabouts - yesterday's cabinet reshuffle brought that thrilling fact into sharp focus - and if we're going to vote (hahaha, "if"), we need ill-informed celebrity help now less than ever. But let's ask for it anyway.

If you see any famous humans offering their opinions on the welfare state, the crumbling NHS, or what we should do about Farage, give me a shout. Incidentally, Farage himself technically still counts as a politician, not a celeb, and is therefore barred. No opinions from him, please - anyway, I'm sure the BBC will inform us every time he idly flaps open his gaping maw to dribble out another trickle of warm, soupy racism.

(An aside: I've just been sifting through my old posts - wow, can you believe there was a time when I had to explain to my readers who Ed Miliband was? Ha ha ha... sorry, what? I said Ed Miliband. He's the leader of the opposition now. No, not that one - the other one. ED MILIBAND. Oh good grief.)

So, right, LET'S GET THIS THING (re-)STARTED. Let's TEAR DOWN THIS SHITTY SYSTEM, ONE BLOG POST AT A TIME. Does anyone need to go to the toilet before we set off? Where are my keys?

Stephen Fry on his voting intentions

Stephen Fry broke a long and only-occasionally-interrupted Twitter silence 33 minutes ago to say, and I quote:

"Frankly I'm tempted to vote Lib Dem now. If we let the Telegraph and Mail
win, well, freedom and Britain die."

Steve (I'm calling him Steve now) has almost 1.5 million Twitter followers. Thanks to the right-wing press, today has been a very good day for Nick Clegg.

Richard Madeley on TV debates

I do love Richard Madeley, in a way. I love how Alan Partridge he can be, how he doesn't seem to mind, and how he takes himself embarrassingly seriously but nobody else does. He's the Craig David of daytime TV.

This week's Madeleywatch sees him striding about on Hampstead Heath to a Keane soundtrack, all windswept hair and 'seriousface', wibbling on about the Lib Dems and how they have a chance of power because of last week's TV debate.

Is he a Clegg fan? Is he bandwagon-jumping? Is he just firing seemingly random words out of his face? Who knows? Who cares? Madeley, that's who.

Devastatingly for Nick Clegg, Madeley claims that he reminds him of Tony Blair. He seems to be presenting this as a good thing, but then goes on to mention how devoid of meaning Blair's rhetoric was.

"It [the debate] reminded me of an interview that Judy and I did in 1996 with
Tony Blair, the year before he was elected Prime Minister. He was in
shirtsleeves, he talked a very good game, he looked confident, he looked
suntanned. And afterwards, as we examined what he'd actually said, there was
nothing much of substance there at all, but within three or four minutes of the
interview beginning, it was clear - to both of us at least - that we were
talking to the next Prime Minister."

Madeley, as we've discovered before, calls himself a lefty and is certainly a Blairite. What's he saying here? That he likes substanceless politics and that he thinks Clegg is Blair's natural successor? Oh dear. This could be more damaging to the Clegg campaign than any amount of right-wing media muck-raking. If anyone listened to Madeley, that is.

The video is here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/this_week/8631904.stm

Patrick Moore on Britain

Astronomer Patrick Moore is a UKIP supporter and made this campaign video on their behalf, just before the European elections last year. In it, he claims that UKIP is the only party that can offer new regulations and new laws to "put Britain back on track".

I used to like Patrick Moore. I'm saying nothing.

Robert Webb on floating voters

Robert Webb has said some things in the Telegraph today that have confused me.

I like Robert Webb - like his partner in comedy David Mitchell, he has the intelligence and the passion to talk about politics in a way that connects with people who are not necessarily going to pay a fiver for each manifesto and go through them all with a highlighter. (Incidentally, the Tory one is too expensive for me to buy at the moment - I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback).

But this kind of influence should be taken pretty seriously. None of us are really going to listen to what Geri Halliwell or Alex Reid has got to say, but the words of someone like Webb are likely to hold a bit more sway, particularly with the fairly left-wing middle class people who watch Peep Show.

His article states that "most people decided who to vote for years ago" and suggests that those who haven't yet made up their minds are either kidding themselves or too easily influenced. And I quote:

"You're over 18 and you went to school and you can read and write and
you've seen the news and you know the odd bit of modern history and you're…
what? You let the 'creatives' from marketing companies call you
'undecided'?"

"It just seems that those of us who were interested in politics when we
were teenagers found ourselves to be built a certain way. For the likes of us,
whether Lefties or Righties... that was basically that."

I can see his point - I know that I'm left-wing. I know that I'm not going to vote Tory this time, and I'm very unlikely to ever vote Tory from now until the day I die.

But simply knowing the difference between left- and right-wing politics and knowing which camp your beliefs fall into doesn't necessarily tie you to a certain party. Webb's logic runs this way: I am left-wing, therefore I vote Labour. He says he has always voted Labour and always intends to - isn't this a little narrow-minded?

I'm not saying he shouldn't vote Labour - I've voted Labour before and might still do so this year - but it's not just about choosing a party that suits you and blindly following them your whole life. Your needs change; the country's needs change.

And if he's voting for left-wingedness over everything... am I the only one who thinks the LibDems are coming across as by far the more left-wing party this time around?

The Telegraph article can be found here. It's funny and well-written, and one of the comments below it equates Webb to Robert Mugabe, which is hilarious.

Gary Barlow on OH NO DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT I CAN'T SAY IT

Gary Barlow is supporting the Tories.

Here's a Sky News link to coverage of Barlow actually SINGING 'Greatest Day' at some sort of Conservative rally in Cheshire. *Deletes that song from iPod forever*

According to this article in the Crewe Chronicle, the performance took place at Brine Leas High School, where "children mobbed Conservative party leader David Cameron and Take That star Gary Barlow". Mobbing by association, Cammo - that's pretty low.

When Mark Owen admitted all those affairs and drinking and whatnot, I considered what this would mean for my Take That fandom. They should be touring next year - should I refuse to buy a ticket in protest? And then I thought "no, that would go against my principles - he has atoned for his sins and paid the price. He doesn't need me to judge him." Unfortunately, unless Barlow similarly atones for this disgraceful behaviour, I will have to think again.

A Tory rally at a SCHOOL. I ask you. We're supposed to get more right-wing as we get older - if those kids join the National Front as soon as they turn 18, Barlow will only have himself to blame.

JK Rowling on not voting Conservative

Please can the next celebrity to comment on politics do so in an idiotic way? I'm begging you - Peter Andre, Jedward... the racist one out of S Club? Anyone.

If I read any more articles like this one (where JK Rowling confidently explains why the Conservatives' 'tax breaks for married couples' policy is both insulting and useless), I'll start to believe that looking to celebs for voting advice isn't that stupid after all.

Piers Morgan on David Cameron

Tinned-ham-faced berk Piers Morgan has "hit out" at David Cameron for refusing to be interviewed by him, calling Cammo a "coward". Strong words, Morgan. Strong words.

Piers told Star magazine that Dave "could have had me but he went with Trevor McDonald," sounding a little like a rejected ex. Too right, Piers - you're worth a hundred Trevor McDonalds. Don't you listen to that nasty Tory bastard, it's his loss. One day you'll meet another political leader who really appreciates you, and then you'll be all "Dave who?".

"It's like [Cameron] being asked to do Jeremy Paxman but ending up with Fern Britton," he wailed. It's really not, Piers. It's like him choosing to be interviewed by a Tory supporter rather than a Labour one. It's the first logical thing he's done in years.

The Whole Internet on who to vote for

A bit of a change of topic for this post - sorry people, no celebs this time (unless you count politicians).

I've been boring pretty much everyone I know with political "debate" (ahem) over the last few days, and one thing keeps cropping up: loads of people don't know who to vote for, and don't know how to decide.

So I thought I'd give you a brief guide to the various places on the internet that can help steer you towards a decision by May 6th.

REGISTERING TO VOTE

If you're not registered, go to About My Vote. (Here you can also check whether you're already registered, in case you did it and forgot about it). You need to do this by April 20th.

FINDING OUT WHO YOUR LOCAL MP IS

They Work For You is a great source of info - tap your postcode into the search box and it tells you what constituency you're in and who your MP is. It also tells you some basic info about that person - how long they've been in Parliament for, the things they're interested in and where they stand on some key topics.

There is also a section of the BBC Democracy Live site where you can do the same thing. This also gives a link to your MP's website and their email address.

FINDING OUT WHAT YOUR LOCAL MP HAS BEEN UP TO

You might be interested in exactly how your MP has voted on an issue you're concerned about: go to the Public Whip website, search for your MP's name or your postcode, and find out.

My own MP is Labour's Linda Gilroy, and I'm interested in whether she voted for or against the Digital Economy Bill this week. I'm self-employed and the introduction of the Bill would mean that, if ANY member of my household is caught using an illegal filesharing network, my internet connection could legally be cut off, leaving me unable to work. http://www.publicwhip.org.uk/ shows her entire voting record and yes, she did vote FOR this thing.

FINDING OUT WHICH OTHER CANDIDATES YOU CAN VOTE FOR

If you go to this page on BBC Politics and type your postcode into the top-right box (under 'Find your constituency') it will give you a list of all the candidates standing for election in your area. The easiest way to find out more about them is to Google their names and plough through their no doubt fascinating websites.

WRITING TO YOUR LOCAL MP AND ELECTION CANDIDATES

If you've been investigating what your local MP has been doing with their time in Parliament and you're not happy, tell them. Ask them what they think they're playing at. You don't have to know the ins and outs of all their policy decisions - that's their job. It's also their job to clearly explain what they're doing with your vote and/or your taxes.

You can find your local MP's email address if you search for them using that page I mentioned earlier, BBC Democracy Live. You can also contact your MP through http://www.writetothem.com/. If you'd like to write to the candidates who'll be standing for election in competition with your current MP, perhaps to ask them why they deserve your vote instead, their websites will give an email address and perhaps even a phone number if you're lucky.

FINDING OUT MORE ABOUT EACH PARTY

Let's face it: most people don't have much of a clue about their local MP and the point of a general election is to decide who should govern the whole country, not just your part of it. Plus, if you have a local MP like mine, they'll only vote against the general party line once in a blue moon anyway so you might as well just go by what their leader is saying and assume it applies to them too. So what are Brown, Cammo and Clegg promising, exactly?

Obviously the news channels and papers are good sources of info. The BBC is particularly good when it comes to elections, since it has to obey far more rules about preventing bias than the commercial channels. You can watch Question Time, This Week and The Daily Politics on the BBC iPlayer. Have I mentioned BBC Democracy Live? That's very good. Channel 4 News seems to do the job pretty well too, and it has Jon Snow.

You can go to each party's official website for pretty much all the info you can stand. These are...

http://www.conservatives.com/

http://www.labour.org.uk/

http://www.libdems.org.uk/

http://www.greenparty.org.uk/

http://www.ukip.org/

You could also follow a few politicians on Twitter. I'll warn you though: if you find it hard to listen to endless bitching and bickering, interspersed with cringeworthy ass-kissing (yes I'm looking at you, Alastair Campbell), you might want to hide all your sharp objects away first.

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UPDATE: The three main parties have now published their manifestos. The PDF files of each can be found here:

Conservative: http://bit.ly/bNuB4I Labour: http://bit.ly/b2mBe6 Lib Dem: http://bit.ly/9jrVlG

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DECIDING WHICH PARTY YOU AGREE WITH MOST

It's very unlikely you'll agree with everything a particular party has done or said - ideally, your voting decision is about finding a 'best fit' rather than perfection. There are a few online services that can help with this.

Lib Dem Voice does an interesting thing by giving each MP a rating based on how authoritarian or liberal they are. Again, enter your postcode into the search box and it will tell you how your MP ranks, which is quite enlightening. Unfortunately the site is run by Lib Dem supporters so it's biased - even the tags of 'authoritarian' and 'liberal' are subjective so it's unreliable. It would be nice if there was a similar independent site but I'm buggered if I can find one.

Vote Match and Who Should You Vote For both offer teen-magazine-style quizzes to determine which party best matches your values. Which is pretty useful, especially if you've always voted a particular way out of habit but your opinions have changed along the way.

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UPDATE: There's another quiz thing here, at Vote For Policies. It asks you which policy areas you're interested in, and then allows you to choose the approaches you prefer, with 'the big reveal' at the end... which party is offering what you want? Strangely, the majority of people who've used the site (28%) should be voting for the Green party.

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TACTICAL VOTING

The mere mention of tactical voting seems to strike fear into the hearts of some people, particularly those non-mathsy ones who think it might involve long division. I shall now explain tactical voting the only way I know how to explain anything: by concentrating on ME and me alone.

In my constituency, the Member of Parliament is a Labour member (Linda "eroding your civil liberties is what I am about" Gilroy). Her competition in the 2010 election will be a Conservative candidate, a Lib Dem one, and a UKIP one. In the last general election, in 2005, the Conservative candidate came second, with the Lib Dem one in third place.

If I had the only vote in the country and could elect a party all by myself, I'd vote Lib Dem, and Labour would be my second choice. However, I am not. In my constituency, it's going to be a battle between Labour and the Tories in first and second place (judging by last time), so it could be argued that, by voting for the Lib Dems, I'd be taking a valuable vote away from the Labour party and narrowing the gap between them and the Tories, possibly even allowing the Tories to snaffle the seat away and giving them one more MP in the House of Commons.

So, since I believe that Labour would be a better choice than the Tories, it would make sense to vote Labour instead of Lib Dem. That's why it's a tactical vote - it's not what I'd do ideally, but I'm "playing the game".

I found out how my constituency voted in 2005 by going here and typing my postcode in. You can do the same. There's more about tactical voting in this BBC article.

THINGS YOU CAN DO TO HELP

If the idea of a general election has got you more hand-flappingly excitable than Professor Brian Cox talking about conspiracy theories in a strong wind, you can help out in many ways.

If you've found a party that's really captured your enthusiasm and you want to help them win, visit their website (see above) and volunteer to do some canvassing. They always need people to hand out leaflets to potential voters, phone them or bother them on their own doorsteps during Neighbours.

You could instead volunteer to help an activism group like Hope Not Hate, which isn't affiliated with any party but campaigns against the election of the BNP.

And if you fancy helping out on election day at one of your local polling stations, you can apply to be an election observer (where you'll check to make sure the correct procedure is being followed and nobody's interfering with the ballot papers).

I THINK THAT'S IT

I think that's it. Have I missed anything? Any questions? Please leave a comment if you know of any other good websites for people who are unsure what to do with their vote. Your vote is a privilege and you should use it wisely.

Ross Kemp on voting Labour

I like Ross Kemp. It's nice that there's someone on the celeb circuit who's such a laughing stock that the mere sound of their name, in any context, makes you chuckle a bit.

Now Kemp has written an article for the Mirror about why he's voting Labour and why you should vote Labour too. Ho ho ho. The article, in its glorious entirety, is here.

Highlights include:

"This isn't a beauty contest."

"People have short memories."

"It wasn't a happy time."

"Same leopard."

I can't help but imagine Kempo shouting these little catchphrases over the sound of gunfire with sand on his face.

Unfortunately for this blog, his article is actually fairly well considered and makes a bit of sense. Well, enough sense to make it worth arguing against if you don't take Ross Kemp entirely seriously. It must have been commissioned by the Tories.